A Small Dose Of Reality / April 19, 2017

Okay, today gave me a dose of reality.  It is April 19th. I have been very upbeat and positive during this whole collection of tests, surgeries and failed attempts.  I can truly say that I have seen God’s hand on all parts of this journey.  Even the parts that did not go so well all had silver linings on them.  When people ask how I am doing, I can answer them Great.  When I ask myself how I am doing, I can still say Great.  I am ready for this to start so I can get cured and put it all behind me like a bad dream.

So, the phone rings at noon.  I answer it and the voice on the other end explains she is the scheduler for radiation.  My first radiation treatment is scheduled for Monday April, 24th at 9:00 AM.  Hearing that made things all to real.  I immediately lost my positive attitude, actually stammered a little bit when I spoke back with her and felt like I got kicked in the stomach.  I told her I was not ready, there was a biopsy scheduled for April, 25th and that had to be completed first.  I haven’t had all of my pre-treatment testing so I definitely can’t start.  If I could think of another excuse or two I would have used them too.

She politely said she would get with the doctor and let him know about the conflict and he will call back later with an updated start time. I thanked her and hung up.  I sat in the chair for another ten minutes just absorbing what just happened.  Why did I freak out so much, I know it is something I have to go through and it had to start eventually?  I finally figured it out; it was because I was not in control.  I had not set the date and I had not directed their actions.


I then laughed at myself.  Was I really in control of anything or was I just along for the ride.  This cancer team has had several meetings over my treatment; they call and tell me what and where my appointments are going to be. They tell me what my treatment will consist of and what medications they are using.  What I can compare this to is a passenger on a cruise ship being given a paddle and told he can help steer the ship.  I can swing this paddle; do a lot of grunting and splash a lot of water.  It makes me feel like I am doing something, but the truth is I am just wasting my energy and the ship is going where it wants despite my efforts.  I had to remind myself to have complete faith and turn this entire journey over to God.  He really does know what He is doing.

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